How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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