I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
