I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
