Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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