You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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