WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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