So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
