I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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