so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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