Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
