oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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