I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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