you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
