My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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