the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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