so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
