I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
