Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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