my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
