1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
