So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
