May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
