so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
