I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
