im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We need to rekindle our bromance
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
