the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She bit a glass in half.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
