Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
