she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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