So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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