They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
