Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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