On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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