3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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