Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
