Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
