He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
