ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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