I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
