I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
