I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
