If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
