She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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