I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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