this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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