It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
