i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
