I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
