hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
