Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
