never play flip cup with pint glasses
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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