Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
