that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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