just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
