I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
