She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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