I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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