Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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