you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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