Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
